Chris: So how long have you been a cat?
Kitty: It's been about 11 years.
Chris: Wow, now is that in human years,
or in cat years?
Kitty: <tail flickers> Does it really
matter? Why does everyone make a big deal over the conversion?
Chris: I guess not. I'll assume you were born in 1995.
Kitty: Okay.
Chris: So tell me... what is the Inner Life of Pets like?
Kitty: Let me ask you the same thing. What's the Inner Life
of People like?
Chris: Hmmm. Complex. Emotional. Tiring. Stimulating.
Kitty: So why wouldn't it be the same for pets?
Chris: Well... I mean... all you seem to
do is sleep and eat all day. Oh, and you get up and chase bugs
and jump on the counter and lick the dishes in the sink sometimes.
Kitty: True. But you see how emotional I get when you take
out the vacuum cleaner. And when it looks like I'm just sitting
on the floor in the living room when you're having conversations
in kitchen, I'm really analyzing your thought processes.
Chris: Are you kidding me? So you're saying
that you're intelligent too?
Kitty: <ears go back> Who gets you
up every day at 6:00 a.m. to feed me? And who gets you to
shower me with love and affection when I snuggle up to you
and walk figure eights between your legs? And you know when
I just stare at that string on the floor and you pick it
up and wiggle it in front of me? Smart. Smart. Smart.
Chris: You know what I think? I think you
still have that Egyptian-Cat-god complex thing going on in
your kitty genes.
Kitty: The Egyptians were smart.
Chris: Well, whatever happened to that?
Kitty: Hair balls ruined it. The gacking
and pile present leaving didn't please the Pharaoh.
Chris: Too bad, you had a good thing going
there. Did anyone ever tell you that your faces are reminiscent
of some of those alien [abduction] sketches?
Kitty: You never know. <meows X-Files tune>
Chris: Okay, back to the topic at hand. Tell me more about
your Inner Life.
Kitty: Well, I'm a good listener. And I
think a lot. And you already know about my hairball / digestive
problems.
Chris: Is that all?
Kitty: No. But I'm not going to tell you EVERYTHING. Would
you tell me everything?
Chris: I guess not. Okay, how about this one thing... what
do you do when you're home alone in the house?
Kitty: I lick the dirty dishes in the sink.
And sometimes I go online. But I clear the history and cache
before you get home.
Chris: And here I thought this interview would be revealing.
You know what? I'm going to go talk to the two German Shepherds
across the street. I think their lives might be a bit more
exciting.
Kitty: <stretches then yawns> Good.
It's time for my nap. Did I get any mail today? •
