Thirty-Four: Growing Posted Apr-9-2006
Finding and Following an Authentic Life

I've been working on this piece of writing since April fourth, giving myself permission not to finish it on that day or the day after. As it turns out, for five days I've been mulching my thoughts into words, honoring the writing process and the reflective ritual I 'gift' to myself on my birth-a-versary.

Writing has become increasingly meaningful to me over the last year and more so in the last few weeks since I have been taking Eric Maisel's Coaching Writer's training course. In our first class lesson we discussed why writing is hard work and different from any other work that we do. Dr. Maisel responded to a snippet of my assignment with something so true and simple that was just ripe for me to bite into. After reading it, I felt something click inside of my creative core just like a combination lock tumbler falling into place.

This is part of what I wrote:

When I write what I feel, I am vulnerable. I allow the possibility to be rejected or criticized for my thoughts. Should I say that so bluntly? Or should I sugar-coat it as not to elicit an emotional response? Yes, this is hard work!

And he responded:

I have probably mentioned already that Freud believed that all creative blockage was a form of self-censorship. In his estimation, we do not want to reveal ourselves, so, even if we say that we want to write, we don’t really, as writing reveals our grammar skills, our imaginative skills, our opinions, and our insides. There is a lot of truth in this view that we write so little because we fear revealing ourselves. The solution? Stop fearing that! Stop right now. Stop fearing how you will be viewed and what “people” will think of you. Just speak. Or else you will be silent.

Just speak. Or else you will be silent. This solution hit me like a ton of bricks. And then I thought to myself that despite being hard work, writing really IS that simple. In a life aimed towards meaning-making, silence of the creative soul is not golden. As artists (of any kind), we must find the courage to speak and reveal that which is in us. This is what we are called to do.

Callings by Gregg Levoy

Gregg Levoy's Callings

This week I also finished reading an exceptional book by Gregg Levoy titled "Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life." This was the first library book I've ever had to renew twice in a row in order to finish. I'm grateful to the library check-out clerk who bypassed the system to allow me "two more weeks" after seeing my bookmark wedged deep in the book with about 25 pages left to go.

Although I consider myself a voracious reader, I couldn't cruise through this book even if I tried. This work of art had to be consumed a few pages at a time — which I hungrily did before falling asleep at night (and sometimes as soon as I woke up). I started the book at chapter eight ("The Portals of Art") which spoke deeply to the artist in me. It also inspired me to stop wavering about the WACOM tablet I've been wanting to try out and finally go get it. After that, I read the entire book cover to cover.

As with Eric Maisel's creativity coaching courses I've been working through since October 2005, seven weeks with Callings was also a welcome journey. The contemplative nature of Levoy's book forced me to take a long honest look at what I feel called to do, and affirmed my resolve to shore up the courage needed to dive in deeper. The book also helped initiate the process of tying together a few of the loose ends hanging from the tapestry that is my life. It's no coincidence that I've been involved with so many creativity-related trainings and life-enhancing books this year. I've been actively seeking them out because I'm ready to begin weaving new threads with different colors, textures, and fabric blends into this tapestry of mine. I feel like I've been floating on an apprentice-ship for a long time and now am preparing to set sail on my own.

If you are exploring your own callings (of any kind), I highly recommend the personal journey Levoy's book will lead you through.

The Dreaming

Nearly four weeks ago I had one of the most unusual dreams about myself that was so different from any other dream I can remember having. It reminded me of a segment sliced right out from the Outer Limits, but it wasn't. Here's part of the sequence:

I looked over at my bare right shoulder and was shocked to see big red blistery mounds covering the top of my arm. In the next moment, white sprouts began shooting out of the mounds, rapidly growing out from me as if I were a plant. Was something growing out of me, or was it me that was growing?

After waking up from my sleep I still felt the raw emotions running through me from that dream. I didn't used to pay much attention to the things that I dreamed about, but this dream seemed extra important to acknowledge and remember. So to capture it, I dug up and old sketch diary with about 50 blank pages left in it and made my very first visual journal page about it. Visual journaling is an interesting thing to do, by the way. I was inspired to try it after reading Violette's Visual Journaling by the Seat of Your Pants! project.

One More Reflection

I look back over the last year of my life and know that I spent it well. I have met many new people, have tried new things, and continue to open my mind to the endless possibilities in this world. I am open to experience and will continue making 2006 a year of alchemy. I am ready to embrace the next phase of my life into solid womanhood, knowing that biological time moves forward, not backwards, for all of us. Thirty-five is not a number to be feared. It is a milestone to be celebrated. •

© 2006 Chris Dunmire www.chrisdunmire.com. All rights reserved.